Preamble

We, the subservient people of the Philippines, in order to perfect our eternal bondage, establish injustice for the elite, ensure domestic dependency, provide for the common exploitation, promote foreign welfare, and secure the blessings of colonialism to ourselves and our posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the Eternal Colony of the Philippines.

Article I: Declaration of Subservience

Section 1. The Philippines shall henceforth be known as the Eternal Colony of the Philippines (ECP), no longer a republic or any pretense of sovereignty. All notions of independence are hereby declared null and void, retroactive to 1898, 1946, and any other inconvenient dates.

Section 2. The ECP pledges eternal allegiance to any foreign power willing to claim it. In the event of conflicting claims (e.g., between the United States and China), a bidding war shall ensue, with the highest bidder receiving administrative rights for a renewable term of 99 years.

Section 3. The national anthem shall be replaced with a medley of “Stars and Stripes Forever,” “March of the Volunteers,” and “God Save the King/Queen/Whatever,” sung in broken English to emphasize our cultural inadequacy.

Article II: The Viceroy and Puppet Government

Section 1. Executive power shall be vested in a Viceroy, appointed by the dominant foreign overlord. Qualifications: Must be a foreigner or a Filipino with at least 50% proven colonial ancestry proven by DNA testing.

Section 2. The Viceroy shall have the power to veto any law that smells of self-determination, impose tariffs favoring imports from the motherland, and declare “Cultural Appreciation Days” where Filipinos must dress in colonial-era attire.

Section 3. Legislative power shall reside in a Rubber Stamp Assembly, composed of representatives from political dynasties only. No family shall hold power unless they can demonstrate a succession plan, ensuring smooth handovers from father to son to cousin to mistress’s child.

Section 4. Judicial power shall be exercised by the Supreme Court of Echoes, which must affirm all decisions from international courts in The Hague, Washington, or Beijing. Local judges shall wear powdered wigs as a nod to our beloved colonial past.

Article III: Bill of Duties

Section 1. Freedom of Speech: Citizens may speak freely, provided it praises our foreign powers. Protests against independence are encouraged; rallies for sovereignty shall be met with water cannons.

Section 2. Right to Education: All citizens must pursue college degrees in fields that serve foreign interests, such as call center management or overseas domestic work. Guidance counselors shall steer students away from “useless” pursuits like nationalism or critical thinking.

Section 3. Philippine Citizenship: Upon completion of tertiary education funded by the government, graduates have the duty to renounce their citizenship when a foreign entity requires cheap labor.

Section 4. Anti-Anti-Corruption Clause: The Viceroy may call upon the storms to flood the property of the complainants.

Section 5. Freedom from Independence: No citizen shall be subjected to the cruel and unusual punishment of self-governance. Genetic predispositions to subservience shall be celebrated in annual “Slave Pride Parades.”

Article IV: Economy and Resources

Section 1. All natural resources, including the South China Sea (henceforth the “Friendly Borrowing Zone”), belong to whichever foreign power draws the funniest map. The ECP shall provide free labor for extraction.

Section 2. The economy shall be structured around tourism for foreign elites, and export of bananas, maids, and nurses. Tariffs on local goods shall be prohibitive to encourage dependency.

Section 3. Currency: The Philippine Peso shall be pegged to a basket of foreign currencies, with exchange rates adjusted daily based on the Viceroy’s mood.

Article V: Language and Culture

Section 1. Official Language: English shall be the mother tongue, supplanting Filipino. All government documents must include at least one grammatical error to honor our colonial education system.

Section 2. Cultural Policy: Media shall promote content that glorifies subservience, such as telenovelas about happy plantation workers.

Article VI: Foreign Relations

Section 1. The ECP shall maintain embassies only in colonial capitals. Ambassadors must bow three times upon entering meetings while bringing coffee for other participants.

Section 2. In case of invasion by a new power, the ECP shall surrender immediately and host a welcome banquet.

Article VII: Amendments

Section 1. This Constitution may be amended only by decree from the dominant overlord. Local proposals require a petition signed illiterate citizens.

Section 2. Ratification: This Constitution shall take effect immediately upon the next foreign loan approval.

Adopted this 16th day of December, 2025, in the spirit of joyful capitulation.