Colonist Party of the Philippines

We are slaves, and we love it!

New to the Colonist Party of the Philippines? Check out our about page to learn more.

Blog

  • Rallies Against Corruption: Shouting at Clouds While Failing Basic Math

    We have yet another evidence that being a slave is in the Filipino genetic makeup. The recent rallies against corruption in the Philippines are unbearably vague. What do they even mean?

    Sure, point fingers at Marcos, because accusing the guy in charge is revolutionary. But hey, we could accuse anyone: the taho vendor shortchanging you, your tita’s HOA embezzling funds for the Christmas lights. Without a plan, it’s just a blame game with no rules. The truth is that we already know who we hate: the officials who did not buy our votes. When we hate people in charge, the best opportunity to show it is in the next big rally.

    What happened is, of course, expected, given that our PISA scores are so low, we’re basically protesting with kindergarten-level problem-solving. Corruption thrives on complexity. For example, financial kickbacks hidden in budgets, loopholes in laws, etc. But if we can’t ace a test on basic algebra, how do we unravel that? It’s like sending toddlers to defuse a bomb: lots of noise, zero progress. Maybe the real corruption is stealing education funds that could’ve boosted those scores. Talk about ironic!

    No matter. We, the Colonist Party of the Philippines, stand with the rallies against corruption. After all, the money they stole could have been used as funds to buy tickets to America for our New Immigration Army. Even if we don’t really know who stole what.

  • How to Choose a College Degree in the Philippines

    Are you about to graduate from senior high school and you’re still not sure what to do after that? Or maybe you already have a degree but you are experiencing a quarter-life crisis? Don’t you worry. We got your back! Let’s look at some of the top college degrees in the Philippines.

    1. Listen to Your Parents: Choose Nursing

    When in doubt, choose Nursing. This college degree is allegedly mom’s most recommended choice to help you bring your whole family outside the Philippines, especially Canada or the US. Just take one of the NCLEX exams and you’re ready to go. As responsible adults, it is our duty to follow our parent’s orders. Don’t worry too much about your human rights and your freedom. Worry about the debt you owe to your parents for raising you. Remember: whatever they gave you was never actually given. You have to pay them off. If you want the freedom to become someone else’s slave, you have to buy that freedom from your parents.

    2. Choose The Needs Of Your Favorite Foreign Country: Call Center Agents

    This tip is for the unfortunate few whose parents gave them the freedom to choose what they want. This YouTube video proves that you are much happier if you have limited choices. That is why it would have been better if you never had any choice at all by being forced to take up Nursing, go abroad, and deprive the Philippines of a good workforce.

    An alternative solution to this problem is to limit your choices to what your favorite foreign country needs. If they need more call center agents, then just choose the first degree that comes to your mind. It doesn’t matter what came to your mind because your BPO company will only accept you based on how well you can avoid your disgusting Filipino accent to help your foreign client can understand you and verbally abuse you better. However, your favorite foreign country may also need someone other than a call center agent. Just be careful to limit your choices to their foreign needs so you can be happier.

    3. Become a Mother

    Although motherhood is the hardest job in the world, it’s very rewarding when your child graduates from a Nursing degree and takes you to another country. That is why more and more women choose motherhood early in their teens to achieve the fulfilling life of letting your own children borrow your money so they can pay you back later when they graduate.

    Just remember: the smallest unit of a society is the family. They are like the cells that make up an entire organism. That is why we hate stable families that can strengthen the country. Unfortunately the option to become a teenage single mother still isn’t formally accepted in schools today.

    4. Become a College Dropout

    This is a very hard philosophical question. Aren’t negative numbers still considered numbers? So why can’t a college dropout still be considered a degree holder? Anyway, you don’t need to think about it too much because Mark Zuckerberg and Bill Gates are college dropouts! So if you want to become the next Bill Gates, be a college dropout. But that’s not enough, you can also get some women pregnant along the way and leave them in the dirt to increases your success rate.

    Conclusion

    Whichever college degree you chose, remember to give thanks and worship America and other wealthy countries out there. They are the reason why you are alive today. Ultimately, they are the reason why you can even have a college degree. So don’t forget to always give thanks.

  • English As Mother Tongue

    The Filipino is worth dying.

    – The Filipino

    Did you know? English is considered an official language of the Philippines stated in article XIV section 7 of the 1987 constitution. You have to be thankful that a trendy, up-to-date language like English was recognized by the government. Unfortunately, in the same article, an ancient barbaric language like Filipino was also recognized as official. Yuck! How can the constitution be that outdated?

    But wait, that’s not the only thing we need to be worried about. I understand that you have all been good citizens by only watching trendy news about foreign events, so you might not have heard about this yet. Back in 2012 the Department of Education implemented a multilingual education system based on the mother tongue! This means that languages like Cebuano and Hiligaynon will be used as medium of instruction for early elementary education. I can only imagine the devastation that you are feeling right now. But fear not. There is a way to work around this mess.

    Many heroic parents who do not speak English natively are speaking only English to their kids. The nursery rhymes and movies your child can watch from the internet are all in English anyway, so it’s really easy for them to get immersed. This would make the kids’ mother tongue English (with a Filipino accent).

    Genius! If a “mother tongue” education system holds up to it’s name, then schools should use English to teach kids whose mother tongue is English. However, can we really trust schools to do that? Don’t you worry! The other option is to send your kids to an international school. That way, it would be easier for the next generation to make the Filipino dream come true: go to America.