Colonist Party of the Philippines

Tag: rally

  • Filipinos Protest: Make Rallies Illegal

    Filipinos Protest: Make Rallies Illegal

    Thousands of Filipinos took to the streets yesterday in a stunning display of intellect, waving placards and chanting slogans demanding that the government immediately outlaw all forms of public rallies.

    Armed with PhD-level logic, our kababayans marched in perfect formation while screaming, “Down with demonstrations! Ban the banners! Truly, Einstein would be jealous. Bonus points to the guy who brought a sign reading “This Is My Last Rally—Make It Count!”

    Fellow Filipinos, let’s applaud this masterclass in self-sabotage. In a world full of problems, our people have once again proven we’re the smartest by outsmarting ourselves. Next up: A hunger strike to ban food?

  • AI Filipinos Rally: No to Imee, Marcoleta Independence Shift

    AI-generated protesters encouraging the US to create a 69-dash line seizing control of the Philippines while also rejecting the right to vote.

    AI-Generated Filipino Citizens hit the streets to protest against Senators Imee Marcos and Rodante Marcoleta’s call for an independent foreign policy. One bold protester holds up a map encouraging the US to draw a 69-dash line straight across the Pacific, claiming the Philippines as its own. “No Voting Rights Please” reads one placard.

    Marcoleta argued that a US pullback could allow the Philippines to redefine its foreign and security policy without relying heavily on external powers, according to The Manila Times.

    Many of these protesters worship the Enhanced Defense Cooperation Agreement (EDCA), and were outraged when Marcoleta mentioned to “remove EDCA” and “Go home.” These protesters have shrines of America in their homes and use the US flag as bed sheets.

    The Colonist Party of the Philippines remains neutral on this front. We are equally thrilled to be spit-roasted by both US and China.

  • Rallies Against Corruption: Shouting at Clouds While Failing Basic Math

    We have yet another evidence that being a slave is in the Filipino genetic makeup. The recent rallies against corruption in the Philippines are unbearably vague. What do they even mean?

    Sure, point fingers at Marcos, because accusing the guy in charge is revolutionary. But hey, we could accuse anyone: the taho vendor shortchanging you, your tita’s HOA embezzling funds for the Christmas lights. Without a plan, it’s just a blame game with no rules. The truth is that we already know who we hate: the officials who did not buy our votes. When we hate people in charge, the best opportunity to show it is in the next big rally.

    What happened is, of course, expected, given that our PISA scores are so low, we’re basically protesting with kindergarten-level problem-solving. Corruption thrives on complexity. For example, financial kickbacks hidden in budgets, loopholes in laws, etc. But if we can’t ace a test on basic algebra, how do we unravel that? It’s like sending toddlers to defuse a bomb: lots of noise, zero progress. Maybe the real corruption is stealing education funds that could’ve boosted those scores. Talk about ironic!

    No matter. We, the Colonist Party of the Philippines, stand with the rallies against corruption. After all, the money they stole could have been used as funds to buy tickets to America for our New Immigration Army. Even if we don’t really know who stole what.