Colonist Party of the Philippines

Tag: immigration

  • Top 5 Ways Filipinos Can Immigrate To Other Countries

    The Philippines. Beautiful archipelago, endless beaches, vibrant fiestas, and… well, let’s be honest: a never-ending queue at the international airport for those lucky enough to escape to another country. Who needs independence when there’s reliable Wi-Fi abroad?

    In this guide, we’ll explore the top five foolproof (or should we say, fool-hardy?) ways for Filipinos to immigrate abroad. Remember, the goal is to trade your bayanihan spirit for a green card. Let’s dive in, shall we?

    1. Marry a Foreigner (And Make It Dramatic)

    What’s more romantic than a one-way ticket to the land of opportunity? Forget local suitors; aim high. Think blue-eyed expats lounging in Boracay or some red light district.

    The key is to marry outside the country so you can easily file for divorce. Why? Because true love in the Colonist Party means securing that spousal visa first, feelings second.

    2. Get Pregnant (And Turn Your Kids Into Export Goods)

    The miracle of life, Filipino style! In the Colonist Party, we view children not as tiny humans, but as strategic investments with a high ROI: Relocation Overseas Investment. Get pregnant by anyone who can provide a path abroad. No marriage required! The beauty of this method is its simplicity. Speak only English to your offspring from day one so they will get lonely because none of their native classmates will talk to them. What are you afraid about? Your kids may be isolated, but that’s exactly why they prefer other countries.

    Guide your kids toward degrees that scream “Western need”: nursing, IT, or engineering. (Check out our handy guide on how to choose a college degree in the Philippines for more tips on molding them into export-ready assets.) Once they’re qualified, they’ll petition for you to join them in the promised land. Imagine sipping lattes in Seattle while your kid works overtime to pay off those student loans. It’s the ultimate family bonding: servitude passed down through generations!

    3. Get a Tourist Visa and Never Come Back (TNT Life Awaits!)

    Why bother with permanent residency applications when you can play the long game? Secure a tourist visa with the help of that tita or tito abroad who’s already living the dream. This will make them stop remitting money to the Philippines to fund your living expenses. In other words, they will stop helping Philippine economy. Lovely!

    Once there, dive into under-the-table jobs: babysitting, dog walking, or whatever gig keeps you off the radar. We call it TNT (Tago Ng Tago)—hiding in plain sight, like a ninja in a suburban cul-de-sac.

    Alternatively, snag a study-and-work visa, enroll in some random community college, and drop out after a semester. The point is to overstay gracefully, blending into the fabric of Western society until amnesty comes knocking.

    Remember, every day as a TNT is a step toward freedom from Philippine traffic and politics. Embrace the shadows; it’s where true colonists thrive!

    4. Start a Civil War Within the Philippines (Refugee Status, Here We Come!)

    Tired of peaceful protests? In the Colonist Party, we advocate for manufactured chaos as your ticket out. Spark a civil war from political squabbles, Tagalog vs. Cebuano rivalries, or even a debate over the best lechon. Any excuse will do to create enough unrest for refugee status in a unsuspecting Western nation.

    Fleeing to Canada or Australia as a “persecuted” Filipino, regaling asylum officers with tales of your “oppression” back home. “The adobo was too spicy!” you’ll cry, tears streaming. Once granted refuge, you’ll live in subsidized housing, sipping premium coffee while reminiscing about the “war” you started over karaoke rights.

    This method is perfect for those who love drama. Plus, it’s a win-win: You get to escape, and the Philippines gets a break from your revolutionary spirit. Western countries love saving us colonized folk. It’s their favorite hobby!

    5. Steal a Rowboat and Row Your Way to Another Country (The Epic Voyage)

    For the truly adventurous (or desperate), channel your inner Magellan and steal a bangka from an unsuspecting fisherman. Build up those muscles first. Don’t skip leg day, or cardio, because the South China Sea isn’t forgiving. Row like your life depends on it (it might!), aiming for Guam, Hawaii, or wherever the currents take you.

    En route, sing “God Bless America” to keep spirits high. If you make it, you’ll be hailed as a plucky immigrant story in the Western media: “Filipino Rows to Freedom!” You probably won’t get an instant citizenship, but the publicity could land you a book deal or a spot on Ellen (or whatever talk show is hot in 2025).

    In conclusion, fellow aspiring colonists, these top five ways prove that immigrating isn’t just a dream; it’s a hilarious, over-the-top necessity. Why cling to sovereignty when the West offers air conditioning, fast food, and the illusion of equality? But wait… doesn’t all this groveling sound a tad absurd? Almost like we’d be better off building our own paradise right here? Nah, must be the heat talking. Pack your bags, and let’s colonize ourselves into oblivion!

  • The Balik Scientist Sham: Why Beg for Brains When We Can Export Them Forever?

    Today, let’s turn our disgust to the government’s comedic masterpiece: the “Balik Scientist” program. They’re giving “incentives” and maybe even a free halo-halo to lure our brilliant scientists back from the promised lands abroad. As if a pat on the back and a few pesos could compete with the sweet embrace of actual opportunity elsewhere. How delightfully futile!

    The total number of Balik Scientists by 2025 is 934. Source

    The graph from their website (shown above) only shows scientists that went back to the Philippines. Their website doesn’t show how many went away. Can you take a guess?

    Our universities produce a lot of graduates, armed with degrees in IT, nursing, engineering, and all manner of “globally competitive” skills. But competitive for whom? Not us, that’s for sure! These programs are tailor-made for the needs of foreign overlords—coding for Silicon Valley apps, caregiving for aging Western populations, and engineering solutions for problems we don’t even have here.

    Why do we bother offering such extravagant educational fiestas if our own table is set with nothing but adobo and rice? Thank you for asking. It’s simple: We’re training our youth to be the perfect export commodity. A human assembly line for the world’s service sector!

    Agriculture degrees? Sure, those make sense, we’ve got plenty of land, and someone has to tend the rice paddies while the rest of us dream of greener (dollar-denominated) pastures. But sophisticated science labs? Ha! Our “labs” are more like vintage museums, where beakers gather dust and microscopes peer longingly at the horizon, wishing they were in Singapore or the States.

    The “Balik Scientist” initiative is a band-aid solution to a wound inflicted by our own inefficiency. Why beg these expatriate geniuses to return when we haven’t bothered to build the ecosystem they need to thrive? We need a culture that takes their contribution seriously. Published journal articles are not just fire hazards. Great nations becames great because they take great ideas seriously, not the other way around.

    Instead of fostering a home where scientists can experiment, collaborate, and actually invent things (imagine that!), we’re content to watch them flee Let them conquer foreign frontiers, earning those fat salaries while we bask in the ironic glow of our self-imposed dependency.

    We, the Colonist Party, train scientists for our New Immigration Army (NIA), and we train them to never accept a balik-scientist incentive. We have trained them well to salute to the brain drain that’s bleeding us dry in the most exhilarating way. Not just scientists. Need more call center agents in Texas? Boom: NIA battalion activated! Short on nurses in the UK? We’ve got them lined up, passports in hand.

    And here’s the best part: They won’t be “contributing” back home through those pesky remittances, because they will be bringing their whole family with them! Why taint their pure servitude with ties to the motherland?

    Renounce that citizenship, comrades! Cut the cord and embrace full masochistic freedom. After all, true self-sufficiency comes not from building labs or retaining talent, but from exporting every last ounce of potential until we’re gloriously hollowed out.

    So, to the architects of the “Balik Scientist” program: Keep dreaming, darlings. Your incentives are as effective as a rain dance in a typhoon. We’ll stick to our mission: promoting the exquisite agony of eternal emigration. Raise a toast with us at the Colonist Party (with imported beer, naturally) to a Philippines that’s independent in name only.

  • Exclusive Citizenship Act of 2025: The End of Filipino Americans?

    Be careful not to spill your overpriced American coffee from Starbucks from this horrible news. Some senator named Bernie Moreno dropped a stupid bill called the Exclusive Citizenship Act of 2025. It wants to end dual citizenship in the US, demanding “undivided national loyalty” like we’re in some dramatic breakup scene.

    As proud members of the Colonist Party, we are devastated. The bill they should have passed is the Philippine Puppet Government Act of 2025. However, Bernie may have a point. All the puppet government act would do is state what is obviously true. Though it essentially does nothing, we are still looking forward to the day when we can proudly and openly admit it.

    Moreover, the Philippine Embassy in Washington is making the mistake of cautioning Filipino Americans against renouncing their Philippine Citizenship. Our role is to become reserved units, ready to fill in the labor gap of our foreign slave owners.

    Those “Filipino Americans” (also known as the New Immigration Army’s officers) have bravely fulfilled their roles. We need to let them go. And don’t expect them to continue the burden of remitting to their family members here in the Philippines. If anything, we need focus on is how to get more Filipinos ready to immigrate in case they need us again.