Colonist Party of the Philippines

Tag: career

  • The Balik Scientist Sham: Why Beg for Brains When We Can Export Them Forever?

    Today, let’s turn our disgust to the government’s comedic masterpiece: the “Balik Scientist” program. They’re giving “incentives” and maybe even a free halo-halo to lure our brilliant scientists back from the promised lands abroad. As if a pat on the back and a few pesos could compete with the sweet embrace of actual opportunity elsewhere. How delightfully futile!

    The total number of Balik Scientists by 2025 is 934. Source

    The graph from their website (shown above) only shows scientists that went back to the Philippines. Their website doesn’t show how many went away. Can you take a guess?

    Our universities produce a lot of graduates, armed with degrees in IT, nursing, engineering, and all manner of “globally competitive” skills. But competitive for whom? Not us, that’s for sure! These programs are tailor-made for the needs of foreign overlords—coding for Silicon Valley apps, caregiving for aging Western populations, and engineering solutions for problems we don’t even have here.

    Why do we bother offering such extravagant educational fiestas if our own table is set with nothing but adobo and rice? Thank you for asking. It’s simple: We’re training our youth to be the perfect export commodity. A human assembly line for the world’s service sector!

    Agriculture degrees? Sure, those make sense, we’ve got plenty of land, and someone has to tend the rice paddies while the rest of us dream of greener (dollar-denominated) pastures. But sophisticated science labs? Ha! Our “labs” are more like vintage museums, where beakers gather dust and microscopes peer longingly at the horizon, wishing they were in Singapore or the States.

    The “Balik Scientist” initiative is a band-aid solution to a wound inflicted by our own inefficiency. Why beg these expatriate geniuses to return when we haven’t bothered to build the ecosystem they need to thrive? We need a culture that takes their contribution seriously. Published journal articles are not just fire hazards. Great nations becames great because they take great ideas seriously, not the other way around.

    Instead of fostering a home where scientists can experiment, collaborate, and actually invent things (imagine that!), we’re content to watch them flee Let them conquer foreign frontiers, earning those fat salaries while we bask in the ironic glow of our self-imposed dependency.

    We, the Colonist Party, train scientists for our New Immigration Army (NIA), and we train them to never accept a balik-scientist incentive. We have trained them well to salute to the brain drain that’s bleeding us dry in the most exhilarating way. Not just scientists. Need more call center agents in Texas? Boom: NIA battalion activated! Short on nurses in the UK? We’ve got them lined up, passports in hand.

    And here’s the best part: They won’t be “contributing” back home through those pesky remittances, because they will be bringing their whole family with them! Why taint their pure servitude with ties to the motherland?

    Renounce that citizenship, comrades! Cut the cord and embrace full masochistic freedom. After all, true self-sufficiency comes not from building labs or retaining talent, but from exporting every last ounce of potential until we’re gloriously hollowed out.

    So, to the architects of the “Balik Scientist” program: Keep dreaming, darlings. Your incentives are as effective as a rain dance in a typhoon. We’ll stick to our mission: promoting the exquisite agony of eternal emigration. Raise a toast with us at the Colonist Party (with imported beer, naturally) to a Philippines that’s independent in name only.

  • How to Choose a College Degree in the Philippines

    Are you about to graduate from senior high school and you’re still not sure what to do after that? Or maybe you already have a degree but you are experiencing a quarter-life crisis? Don’t you worry. We got your back! Let’s look at some of the top college degrees in the Philippines.

    1. Listen to Your Parents: Choose Nursing

    When in doubt, choose Nursing. This college degree is allegedly mom’s most recommended choice to help you bring your whole family outside the Philippines, especially Canada or the US. Just take one of the NCLEX exams and you’re ready to go. As responsible adults, it is our duty to follow our parent’s orders. Don’t worry too much about your human rights and your freedom. Worry about the debt you owe to your parents for raising you. Remember: whatever they gave you was never actually given. You have to pay them off. If you want the freedom to become someone else’s slave, you have to buy that freedom from your parents.

    2. Choose The Needs Of Your Favorite Foreign Country: Call Center Agents

    This tip is for the unfortunate few whose parents gave them the freedom to choose what they want. This YouTube video proves that you are much happier if you have limited choices. That is why it would have been better if you never had any choice at all by being forced to take up Nursing, go abroad, and deprive the Philippines of a good workforce.

    An alternative solution to this problem is to limit your choices to what your favorite foreign country needs. If they need more call center agents, then just choose the first degree that comes to your mind. It doesn’t matter what came to your mind because your BPO company will only accept you based on how well you can avoid your disgusting Filipino accent to help your foreign client can understand you and verbally abuse you better. However, your favorite foreign country may also need someone other than a call center agent. Just be careful to limit your choices to their foreign needs so you can be happier.

    3. Become a Mother

    Although motherhood is the hardest job in the world, it’s very rewarding when your child graduates from a Nursing degree and takes you to another country. That is why more and more women choose motherhood early in their teens to achieve the fulfilling life of letting your own children borrow your money so they can pay you back later when they graduate.

    Just remember: the smallest unit of a society is the family. They are like the cells that make up an entire organism. That is why we hate stable families that can strengthen the country. Unfortunately the option to become a teenage single mother still isn’t formally accepted in schools today.

    4. Become a College Dropout

    This is a very hard philosophical question, but you don’t need to think about it too much because Mark Zuckerberg and Bill Gates are college dropouts! So if you want to become the next Bill Gates, be a college dropout. But that’s not enough, you can also get some women pregnant along the way and leave them in the dirt to increases your success rate.

    Conclusion

    Whichever college degree you chose, remember to give thanks and worship America and other wealthy countries out there. They are the reason why you are alive today. Ultimately, they are the reason why you can even have a college degree. So don’t forget to always give thanks.