Colonist Party of the Philippines

Category: Government

  • The Balik Scientist Sham: Why Beg for Brains When We Can Export Them Forever?

    Today, let’s turn our disgust to the government’s comedic masterpiece: the “Balik Scientist” program. They’re giving “incentives” and maybe even a free halo-halo to lure our brilliant scientists back from the promised lands abroad. As if a pat on the back and a few pesos could compete with the sweet embrace of actual opportunity elsewhere. How delightfully futile!

    The total number of Balik Scientists by 2025 is 934. Source

    The graph from their website (shown above) only shows scientists that went back to the Philippines. Their website doesn’t show how many went away. Can you take a guess?

    Our universities produce a lot of graduates, armed with degrees in IT, nursing, engineering, and all manner of “globally competitive” skills. But competitive for whom? Not us, that’s for sure! These programs are tailor-made for the needs of foreign overlords—coding for Silicon Valley apps, caregiving for aging Western populations, and engineering solutions for problems we don’t even have here.

    Why do we bother offering such extravagant educational fiestas if our own table is set with nothing but adobo and rice? Thank you for asking. It’s simple: We’re training our youth to be the perfect export commodity. A human assembly line for the world’s service sector!

    Agriculture degrees? Sure, those make sense, we’ve got plenty of land, and someone has to tend the rice paddies while the rest of us dream of greener (dollar-denominated) pastures. But sophisticated science labs? Ha! Our “labs” are more like vintage museums, where beakers gather dust and microscopes peer longingly at the horizon, wishing they were in Singapore or the States.

    The “Balik Scientist” initiative is a band-aid solution to a wound inflicted by our own inefficiency. Why beg these expatriate geniuses to return when we haven’t bothered to build the ecosystem they need to thrive? We need a culture that takes their contribution seriously. Published journal articles are not just fire hazards. Great nations becames great because they take great ideas seriously, not the other way around.

    Instead of fostering a home where scientists can experiment, collaborate, and actually invent things (imagine that!), we’re content to watch them flee Let them conquer foreign frontiers, earning those fat salaries while we bask in the ironic glow of our self-imposed dependency.

    We, the Colonist Party, train scientists for our New Immigration Army (NIA), and we train them to never accept a balik-scientist incentive. We have trained them well to salute to the brain drain that’s bleeding us dry in the most exhilarating way. Not just scientists. Need more call center agents in Texas? Boom: NIA battalion activated! Short on nurses in the UK? We’ve got them lined up, passports in hand.

    And here’s the best part: They won’t be “contributing” back home through those pesky remittances, because they will be bringing their whole family with them! Why taint their pure servitude with ties to the motherland?

    Renounce that citizenship, comrades! Cut the cord and embrace full masochistic freedom. After all, true self-sufficiency comes not from building labs or retaining talent, but from exporting every last ounce of potential until we’re gloriously hollowed out.

    So, to the architects of the “Balik Scientist” program: Keep dreaming, darlings. Your incentives are as effective as a rain dance in a typhoon. We’ll stick to our mission: promoting the exquisite agony of eternal emigration. Raise a toast with us at the Colonist Party (with imported beer, naturally) to a Philippines that’s independent in name only.

  • AI Filipinos Rally: No to Imee, Marcoleta Independence Shift

    AI-generated protesters encouraging the US to create a 69-dash line seizing control of the Philippines while also rejecting the right to vote.

    AI-Generated Filipino Citizens hit the streets to protest against Senators Imee Marcos and Rodante Marcoleta’s call for an independent foreign policy. One bold protester holds up a map encouraging the US to draw a 69-dash line straight across the Pacific, claiming the Philippines as its own. “No Voting Rights Please” reads one placard.

    Marcoleta argued that a US pullback could allow the Philippines to redefine its foreign and security policy without relying heavily on external powers, according to The Manila Times.

    Many of these protesters worship the Enhanced Defense Cooperation Agreement (EDCA), and were outraged when Marcoleta mentioned to “remove EDCA” and “Go home.” These protesters have shrines of America in their homes and use the US flag as bed sheets.

    The Colonist Party of the Philippines remains neutral on this front. We are equally thrilled to be spit-roasted by both US and China.

  • The “Anti-Dynasty” Act Allows Political Families to Succeed One After Another

    The Colonist Party is thrilled to report on the latest masterpiece from Congress. House Bill No. 6771, grandiosely titled the “Anti-Political Dynasty Act,” has been filed by none other than House Speaker Bojie Dy and Majority Leader Sandro Marcos.

    For details, check out this post from The Philippine Star.

    This bill has boring promises to “prohibit the establishment and perpetuation of political dynasties.” However, the real “prohibitions” hidden in Section 5 is revolutionary!

    It only bans relatives from holding positions at the same time. Simultaneous service is not allowed. Succession, however, is a different story. Handing the throne to Junior after your term is absolutely fine! Dynasties can still rotate like a well-oiled spit roast for a long time.

    We checked Merriam-Webster (because, as good colonists, we defer to American dictionaries for truth). A dynasty is “a succession of rulers of the same line of descent” or “a powerful group that maintains its position for a considerable time.” Not just a family reunion in office—it’s about longevity.

    We have long cherished our political dynasties as the ultimate homage to our colonial roots. First foreign overlords, now homegrown ones who pass power like heirloom bibingka. Why break the chain when it feels so comfortingly tight?

    Let’s believe that this is actually a good thing, comrades. After all, we are slaves, and we love it!

  • Exclusive Citizenship Act of 2025: The End of Filipino Americans?

    Be careful not to spill your overpriced American coffee from Starbucks from this horrible news. Some senator named Bernie Moreno dropped a stupid bill called the Exclusive Citizenship Act of 2025. It wants to end dual citizenship in the US, demanding “undivided national loyalty” like we’re in some dramatic breakup scene.

    As proud members of the Colonist Party, we are devastated. The bill they should have passed is the Philippine Puppet Government Act of 2025. However, Bernie may have a point. All the puppet government act would do is state what is obviously true. Though it essentially does nothing, we are still looking forward to the day when we can proudly and openly admit it.

    Moreover, the Philippine Embassy in Washington is making the mistake of cautioning Filipino Americans against renouncing their Philippine Citizenship. Our role is to become reserved units, ready to fill in the labor gap of our foreign slave owners.

    Those “Filipino Americans” (also known as the New Immigration Army’s officers) have bravely fulfilled their roles. We need to let them go. And don’t expect them to continue the burden of remitting to their family members here in the Philippines. If anything, we need focus on is how to get more Filipinos ready to immigrate in case they need us again.

  • Rallies Against Corruption: Shouting at Clouds While Failing Basic Math

    We have yet another evidence that being a slave is in the Filipino genetic makeup. The recent rallies against corruption in the Philippines are unbearably vague. What do they even mean?

    Sure, point fingers at Marcos, because accusing the guy in charge is revolutionary. But hey, we could accuse anyone: the taho vendor shortchanging you, your tita’s HOA embezzling funds for the Christmas lights. Without a plan, it’s just a blame game with no rules. The truth is that we already know who we hate: the officials who did not buy our votes. When we hate people in charge, the best opportunity to show it is in the next big rally.

    What happened is, of course, expected, given that our PISA scores are so low, we’re basically protesting with kindergarten-level problem-solving. Corruption thrives on complexity. For example, financial kickbacks hidden in budgets, loopholes in laws, etc. But if we can’t ace a test on basic algebra, how do we unravel that? It’s like sending toddlers to defuse a bomb: lots of noise, zero progress. Maybe the real corruption is stealing education funds that could’ve boosted those scores. Talk about ironic!

    No matter. We, the Colonist Party of the Philippines, stand with the rallies against corruption. After all, the money they stole could have been used as funds to buy tickets to America for our New Immigration Army. Even if we don’t really know who stole what.