Colonist Party of the Philippines

Category: Culture

  • Top 5 Ways Filipinos Can Immigrate To Other Countries

    The Philippines. Beautiful archipelago, endless beaches, vibrant fiestas, and… well, let’s be honest: a never-ending queue at the international airport for those lucky enough to escape to another country. Who needs independence when there’s reliable Wi-Fi abroad?

    In this guide, we’ll explore the top five foolproof (or should we say, fool-hardy?) ways for Filipinos to immigrate abroad. Remember, the goal is to trade your bayanihan spirit for a green card. Let’s dive in, shall we?

    1. Marry a Foreigner (And Make It Dramatic)

    What’s more romantic than a one-way ticket to the land of opportunity? Forget local suitors; aim high. Think blue-eyed expats lounging in Boracay or some red light district.

    The key is to marry outside the country so you can easily file for divorce. Why? Because true love in the Colonist Party means securing that spousal visa first, feelings second.

    2. Get Pregnant (And Turn Your Kids Into Export Goods)

    The miracle of life, Filipino style! In the Colonist Party, we view children not as tiny humans, but as strategic investments with a high ROI: Relocation Overseas Investment. Get pregnant by anyone who can provide a path abroad. No marriage required! The beauty of this method is its simplicity. Speak only English to your offspring from day one so they will get lonely because none of their native classmates will talk to them. What are you afraid about? Your kids may be isolated, but that’s exactly why they prefer other countries.

    Guide your kids toward degrees that scream “Western need”: nursing, IT, or engineering. (Check out our handy guide on how to choose a college degree in the Philippines for more tips on molding them into export-ready assets.) Once they’re qualified, they’ll petition for you to join them in the promised land. Imagine sipping lattes in Seattle while your kid works overtime to pay off those student loans. It’s the ultimate family bonding: servitude passed down through generations!

    3. Get a Tourist Visa and Never Come Back (TNT Life Awaits!)

    Why bother with permanent residency applications when you can play the long game? Secure a tourist visa with the help of that tita or tito abroad who’s already living the dream. This will make them stop remitting money to the Philippines to fund your living expenses. In other words, they will stop helping Philippine economy. Lovely!

    Once there, dive into under-the-table jobs: babysitting, dog walking, or whatever gig keeps you off the radar. We call it TNT (Tago Ng Tago)—hiding in plain sight, like a ninja in a suburban cul-de-sac.

    Alternatively, snag a study-and-work visa, enroll in some random community college, and drop out after a semester. The point is to overstay gracefully, blending into the fabric of Western society until amnesty comes knocking.

    Remember, every day as a TNT is a step toward freedom from Philippine traffic and politics. Embrace the shadows; it’s where true colonists thrive!

    4. Start a Civil War Within the Philippines (Refugee Status, Here We Come!)

    Tired of peaceful protests? In the Colonist Party, we advocate for manufactured chaos as your ticket out. Spark a civil war from political squabbles, Tagalog vs. Cebuano rivalries, or even a debate over the best lechon. Any excuse will do to create enough unrest for refugee status in a unsuspecting Western nation.

    Fleeing to Canada or Australia as a “persecuted” Filipino, regaling asylum officers with tales of your “oppression” back home. “The adobo was too spicy!” you’ll cry, tears streaming. Once granted refuge, you’ll live in subsidized housing, sipping premium coffee while reminiscing about the “war” you started over karaoke rights.

    This method is perfect for those who love drama. Plus, it’s a win-win: You get to escape, and the Philippines gets a break from your revolutionary spirit. Western countries love saving us colonized folk. It’s their favorite hobby!

    5. Steal a Rowboat and Row Your Way to Another Country (The Epic Voyage)

    For the truly adventurous (or desperate), channel your inner Magellan and steal a bangka from an unsuspecting fisherman. Build up those muscles first. Don’t skip leg day, or cardio, because the South China Sea isn’t forgiving. Row like your life depends on it (it might!), aiming for Guam, Hawaii, or wherever the currents take you.

    En route, sing “God Bless America” to keep spirits high. If you make it, you’ll be hailed as a plucky immigrant story in the Western media: “Filipino Rows to Freedom!” You probably won’t get an instant citizenship, but the publicity could land you a book deal or a spot on Ellen (or whatever talk show is hot in 2025).

    In conclusion, fellow aspiring colonists, these top five ways prove that immigrating isn’t just a dream; it’s a hilarious, over-the-top necessity. Why cling to sovereignty when the West offers air conditioning, fast food, and the illusion of equality? But wait… doesn’t all this groveling sound a tad absurd? Almost like we’d be better off building our own paradise right here? Nah, must be the heat talking. Pack your bags, and let’s colonize ourselves into oblivion!

  • How to Choose a College Degree in the Philippines

    Are you about to graduate from senior high school and you’re still not sure what to do after that? Or maybe you already have a degree but you are experiencing a quarter-life crisis? Don’t you worry. We got your back! Let’s look at some of the top college degrees in the Philippines.

    1. Listen to Your Parents: Choose Nursing

    When in doubt, choose Nursing. This college degree is allegedly mom’s most recommended choice to help you bring your whole family outside the Philippines, especially Canada or the US. Just take one of the NCLEX exams and you’re ready to go. As responsible adults, it is our duty to follow our parent’s orders. Don’t worry too much about your human rights and your freedom. Worry about the debt you owe to your parents for raising you. Remember: whatever they gave you was never actually given. You have to pay them off. If you want the freedom to become someone else’s slave, you have to buy that freedom from your parents.

    2. Choose The Needs Of Your Favorite Foreign Country: Call Center Agents

    This tip is for the unfortunate few whose parents gave them the freedom to choose what they want. This YouTube video proves that you are much happier if you have limited choices. That is why it would have been better if you never had any choice at all by being forced to take up Nursing, go abroad, and deprive the Philippines of a good workforce.

    An alternative solution to this problem is to limit your choices to what your favorite foreign country needs. If they need more call center agents, then just choose the first degree that comes to your mind. It doesn’t matter what came to your mind because your BPO company will only accept you based on how well you can avoid your disgusting Filipino accent to help your foreign client can understand you and verbally abuse you better. However, your favorite foreign country may also need someone other than a call center agent. Just be careful to limit your choices to their foreign needs so you can be happier.

    3. Become a Mother

    Although motherhood is the hardest job in the world, it’s very rewarding when your child graduates from a Nursing degree and takes you to another country. That is why more and more women choose motherhood early in their teens to achieve the fulfilling life of letting your own children borrow your money so they can pay you back later when they graduate.

    Just remember: the smallest unit of a society is the family. They are like the cells that make up an entire organism. That is why we hate stable families that can strengthen the country. Unfortunately the option to become a teenage single mother still isn’t formally accepted in schools today.

    4. Become a College Dropout

    This is a very hard philosophical question, but you don’t need to think about it too much because Mark Zuckerberg and Bill Gates are college dropouts! So if you want to become the next Bill Gates, be a college dropout. But that’s not enough, you can also get some women pregnant along the way and leave them in the dirt to increases your success rate.

    Conclusion

    Whichever college degree you chose, remember to give thanks and worship America and other wealthy countries out there. They are the reason why you are alive today. Ultimately, they are the reason why you can even have a college degree. So don’t forget to always give thanks.

  • English As Mother Tongue

    Did you know? English is considered an official language of the Philippines stated in article XIV section 7 of the 1987 constitution. You have to be thankful that a trendy, up-to-date language like English was recognized by the government. Unfortunately, in the same article, an ancient barbaric language like Filipino was also recognized as official. Yuck! How can the constitution be that outdated?

    But wait, that’s not the only thing we need to be worried about. I understand that you have all been good citizens by only watching trendy news about foreign events, so you might not have heard about this yet. Back in 2012 the Department of Education implemented a multilingual education system based on the mother tongue! This means that languages like Cebuano and Hiligaynon will be used as medium of instruction for early elementary education. I can only imagine the devastation that you are feeling right now. But fear not. There is a way to work around this mess.

    Many heroic parents who do not speak English natively are speaking only English to their kids. The nursery rhymes and movies your child can watch from the internet are all in English anyway, so it’s really easy for them to get immersed. This would make the kids’ mother tongue English (with a Filipino accent).

    Genius! If a “mother tongue” education system holds up to it’s name, then schools should use English to teach kids whose mother tongue is English. However, can we really trust schools to do that? Don’t you worry! The other option is to send your kids to an international school. That way, it would be easier for the next generation to make the Filipino dream come true: go to America.