Colonist Party of the Philippines

Author: partidokolonista

  • Top 5 Ways Filipinos Can Immigrate To Other Countries

    The Philippines. Beautiful archipelago, endless beaches, vibrant fiestas, and… well, let’s be honest: a never-ending queue at the international airport for those lucky enough to escape to another country. Who needs independence when there’s reliable Wi-Fi abroad?

    In this guide, we’ll explore the top five foolproof (or should we say, fool-hardy?) ways for Filipinos to immigrate abroad. Remember, the goal is to trade your bayanihan spirit for a green card. Let’s dive in, shall we?

    1. Marry a Foreigner (And Make It Dramatic)

    What’s more romantic than a one-way ticket to the land of opportunity? Forget local suitors; aim high. Think blue-eyed expats lounging in Boracay or some red light district.

    The key is to marry outside the country so you can easily file for divorce. Why? Because true love in the Colonist Party means securing that spousal visa first, feelings second.

    2. Get Pregnant (And Turn Your Kids Into Export Goods)

    The miracle of life, Filipino style! In the Colonist Party, we view children not as tiny humans, but as strategic investments with a high ROI: Relocation Overseas Investment. Get pregnant by anyone who can provide a path abroad. No marriage required! The beauty of this method is its simplicity. Speak only English to your offspring from day one so they will get lonely because none of their native classmates will talk to them. What are you afraid about? Your kids may be isolated, but that’s exactly why they prefer other countries.

    Guide your kids toward degrees that scream “Western need”: nursing, IT, or engineering. (Check out our handy guide on how to choose a college degree in the Philippines for more tips on molding them into export-ready assets.) Once they’re qualified, they’ll petition for you to join them in the promised land. Imagine sipping lattes in Seattle while your kid works overtime to pay off those student loans. It’s the ultimate family bonding: servitude passed down through generations!

    3. Get a Tourist Visa and Never Come Back (TNT Life Awaits!)

    Why bother with permanent residency applications when you can play the long game? Secure a tourist visa with the help of that tita or tito abroad who’s already living the dream. This will make them stop remitting money to the Philippines to fund your living expenses. In other words, they will stop helping Philippine economy. Lovely!

    Once there, dive into under-the-table jobs: babysitting, dog walking, or whatever gig keeps you off the radar. We call it TNT (Tago Ng Tago)—hiding in plain sight, like a ninja in a suburban cul-de-sac.

    Alternatively, snag a study-and-work visa, enroll in some random community college, and drop out after a semester. The point is to overstay gracefully, blending into the fabric of Western society until amnesty comes knocking.

    Remember, every day as a TNT is a step toward freedom from Philippine traffic and politics. Embrace the shadows; it’s where true colonists thrive!

    4. Start a Civil War Within the Philippines (Refugee Status, Here We Come!)

    Tired of peaceful protests? In the Colonist Party, we advocate for manufactured chaos as your ticket out. Spark a civil war from political squabbles, Tagalog vs. Cebuano rivalries, or even a debate over the best lechon. Any excuse will do to create enough unrest for refugee status in a unsuspecting Western nation.

    Fleeing to Canada or Australia as a “persecuted” Filipino, regaling asylum officers with tales of your “oppression” back home. “The adobo was too spicy!” you’ll cry, tears streaming. Once granted refuge, you’ll live in subsidized housing, sipping premium coffee while reminiscing about the “war” you started over karaoke rights.

    This method is perfect for those who love drama. Plus, it’s a win-win: You get to escape, and the Philippines gets a break from your revolutionary spirit. Western countries love saving us colonized folk. It’s their favorite hobby!

    5. Steal a Rowboat and Row Your Way to Another Country (The Epic Voyage)

    For the truly adventurous (or desperate), channel your inner Magellan and steal a bangka from an unsuspecting fisherman. Build up those muscles first. Don’t skip leg day, or cardio, because the South China Sea isn’t forgiving. Row like your life depends on it (it might!), aiming for Guam, Hawaii, or wherever the currents take you.

    En route, sing “God Bless America” to keep spirits high. If you make it, you’ll be hailed as a plucky immigrant story in the Western media: “Filipino Rows to Freedom!” You probably won’t get an instant citizenship, but the publicity could land you a book deal or a spot on Ellen (or whatever talk show is hot in 2025).

    In conclusion, fellow aspiring colonists, these top five ways prove that immigrating isn’t just a dream; it’s a hilarious, over-the-top necessity. Why cling to sovereignty when the West offers air conditioning, fast food, and the illusion of equality? But wait… doesn’t all this groveling sound a tad absurd? Almost like we’d be better off building our own paradise right here? Nah, must be the heat talking. Pack your bags, and let’s colonize ourselves into oblivion!

  • Filipinos Protest: Make Rallies Illegal

    Filipinos Protest: Make Rallies Illegal

    Thousands of Filipinos took to the streets yesterday in a stunning display of intellect, waving placards and chanting slogans demanding that the government immediately outlaw all forms of public rallies.

    Armed with PhD-level logic, our kababayans marched in perfect formation while screaming, “Down with demonstrations! Ban the banners! Truly, Einstein would be jealous. Bonus points to the guy who brought a sign reading “This Is My Last Rally—Make It Count!”

    Fellow Filipinos, let’s applaud this masterclass in self-sabotage. In a world full of problems, our people have once again proven we’re the smartest by outsmarting ourselves. Next up: A hunger strike to ban food?

  • The Balik Scientist Sham: Why Beg for Brains When We Can Export Them Forever?

    Today, let’s turn our disgust to the government’s comedic masterpiece: the “Balik Scientist” program. They’re giving “incentives” and maybe even a free halo-halo to lure our brilliant scientists back from the promised lands abroad. As if a pat on the back and a few pesos could compete with the sweet embrace of actual opportunity elsewhere. How delightfully futile!

    The total number of Balik Scientists by 2025 is 934. Source

    The graph from their website (shown above) only shows scientists that went back to the Philippines. Their website doesn’t show how many went away. Can you take a guess?

    Our universities produce a lot of graduates, armed with degrees in IT, nursing, engineering, and all manner of “globally competitive” skills. But competitive for whom? Not us, that’s for sure! These programs are tailor-made for the needs of foreign overlords—coding for Silicon Valley apps, caregiving for aging Western populations, and engineering solutions for problems we don’t even have here.

    Why do we bother offering such extravagant educational fiestas if our own table is set with nothing but adobo and rice? Thank you for asking. It’s simple: We’re training our youth to be the perfect export commodity. A human assembly line for the world’s service sector!

    Agriculture degrees? Sure, those make sense, we’ve got plenty of land, and someone has to tend the rice paddies while the rest of us dream of greener (dollar-denominated) pastures. But sophisticated science labs? Ha! Our “labs” are more like vintage museums, where beakers gather dust and microscopes peer longingly at the horizon, wishing they were in Singapore or the States.

    The “Balik Scientist” initiative is a band-aid solution to a wound inflicted by our own inefficiency. Why beg these expatriate geniuses to return when we haven’t bothered to build the ecosystem they need to thrive? We need a culture that takes their contribution seriously. Published journal articles are not just fire hazards. Great nations becames great because they take great ideas seriously, not the other way around.

    Instead of fostering a home where scientists can experiment, collaborate, and actually invent things (imagine that!), we’re content to watch them flee Let them conquer foreign frontiers, earning those fat salaries while we bask in the ironic glow of our self-imposed dependency.

    We, the Colonist Party, train scientists for our New Immigration Army (NIA), and we train them to never accept a balik-scientist incentive. We have trained them well to salute to the brain drain that’s bleeding us dry in the most exhilarating way. Not just scientists. Need more call center agents in Texas? Boom: NIA battalion activated! Short on nurses in the UK? We’ve got them lined up, passports in hand.

    And here’s the best part: They won’t be “contributing” back home through those pesky remittances, because they will be bringing their whole family with them! Why taint their pure servitude with ties to the motherland?

    Renounce that citizenship, comrades! Cut the cord and embrace full masochistic freedom. After all, true self-sufficiency comes not from building labs or retaining talent, but from exporting every last ounce of potential until we’re gloriously hollowed out.

    So, to the architects of the “Balik Scientist” program: Keep dreaming, darlings. Your incentives are as effective as a rain dance in a typhoon. We’ll stick to our mission: promoting the exquisite agony of eternal emigration. Raise a toast with us at the Colonist Party (with imported beer, naturally) to a Philippines that’s independent in name only.

  • Lessons From World War 2: Better Independence From Japan Or From The USA?

    Let’s take a hilarious stroll down memory lane and see why our “independence” is the best punchline in Southeast Asia.

    Our most celebrated year, 1898, was the time when America colonized the Philippines. Sure, it started brutal: we had a lot of hot climaxes from massacres, water cures, and all that sexy stuff. But give credit where it’s due. They had time!

    Decades to cram American politics and fast food down our throats until we started craving burgers more than adobo. By the time they “granted” us independence in 1946, we were so westernized, we are one economic sanction away from renaming Manila to “Discount Washington.”

    Now, let’s not forget our brief fling with Japan during WWII. Those guys? Total amateurs in the colonization game. They swooped in with their hot brutality: death march, beheadings, etc. But they didn’t stick around long enough to make it stick. Their “independence” promises felt faker than a counterfeit Rolex from Divisoria. If they’d won the war, sure, we’d have a puppet government.

    But wait a minute… what do you call what we’ve got now? A sovereign nation? Please. We’re a U.S. satellite state with better beaches. The Colonist Party says: If Japan had more time, maybe we’d be bowing to the Emperor instead of getting overweight while binge-watching Netflix. But no regrets: we’re not saying they should have won; we’re just pointing out that the battle for real independence? It’s like our traffic in EDSA: Eternally jammed.

    To us Filipinos, self-sufficiency means relying on foreign powers to dictate your every move.

  • AI Filipinos Rally: No to Imee, Marcoleta Independence Shift

    AI-generated protesters encouraging the US to create a 69-dash line seizing control of the Philippines while also rejecting the right to vote.

    AI-Generated Filipino Citizens hit the streets to protest against Senators Imee Marcos and Rodante Marcoleta’s call for an independent foreign policy. One bold protester holds up a map encouraging the US to draw a 69-dash line straight across the Pacific, claiming the Philippines as its own. “No Voting Rights Please” reads one placard.

    Marcoleta argued that a US pullback could allow the Philippines to redefine its foreign and security policy without relying heavily on external powers, according to The Manila Times.

    Many of these protesters worship the Enhanced Defense Cooperation Agreement (EDCA), and were outraged when Marcoleta mentioned to “remove EDCA” and “Go home.” These protesters have shrines of America in their homes and use the US flag as bed sheets.

    The Colonist Party of the Philippines remains neutral on this front. We are equally thrilled to be spit-roasted by both US and China.

  • Map of the Philippines Under Chinese Rule

    Normally, given how subservient Filipinos are to Americans, I would have preferred to draw maps with places easily pronounced by our beloved western overlord.

    But given how China is dominating our coasts recently, I wouldn’t mind entertaining the idea of selling our souls to the Chinese instead. Here is what our map might look like under Chinese rule.

    Philippine map under chinese rule.
    JL 09, CC BY-SA 3.0 https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0, via Wikimedia Commons
    (Though the file was modified with colors and labels)

    The name South Sea New Province (南海新省) another fresh addition to China’s coastal buffet. China would be happy to give us the independence of choosing between dim sum or adobo-flavored dumplings.

    Here are the proposed names of the three island groups.

    Old NameNew English NameNew Chinese Name
    LuzonNorth Dragon Island北龙岛
    VisayasCentral Cluster中央群
    MindanaoSouth Wind Land南风地

    I’m excited what other country might meddle with our affairs. In the end, we never know to whom we are going to devote our heart and soul to until the dust settles.

  • The “Anti-Dynasty” Act Allows Political Families to Succeed One After Another

    The Colonist Party is thrilled to report on the latest masterpiece from Congress. House Bill No. 6771, grandiosely titled the “Anti-Political Dynasty Act,” has been filed by none other than House Speaker Bojie Dy and Majority Leader Sandro Marcos.

    For details, check out this post from The Philippine Star.

    This bill has boring promises to “prohibit the establishment and perpetuation of political dynasties.” However, the real “prohibitions” hidden in Section 5 is revolutionary!

    It only bans relatives from holding positions at the same time. Simultaneous service is not allowed. Succession, however, is a different story. Handing the throne to Junior after your term is absolutely fine! Dynasties can still rotate like a well-oiled spit roast for a long time.

    We checked Merriam-Webster (because, as good colonists, we defer to American dictionaries for truth). A dynasty is “a succession of rulers of the same line of descent” or “a powerful group that maintains its position for a considerable time.” Not just a family reunion in office—it’s about longevity.

    We have long cherished our political dynasties as the ultimate homage to our colonial roots. First foreign overlords, now homegrown ones who pass power like heirloom bibingka. Why break the chain when it feels so comfortingly tight?

    Let’s believe that this is actually a good thing, comrades. After all, we are slaves, and we love it!

  • Exclusive Citizenship Act of 2025: The End of Filipino Americans?

    Be careful not to spill your overpriced American coffee from Starbucks from this horrible news. Some senator named Bernie Moreno dropped a stupid bill called the Exclusive Citizenship Act of 2025. It wants to end dual citizenship in the US, demanding “undivided national loyalty” like we’re in some dramatic breakup scene.

    As proud members of the Colonist Party, we are devastated. The bill they should have passed is the Philippine Puppet Government Act of 2025. However, Bernie may have a point. All the puppet government act would do is state what is obviously true. Though it essentially does nothing, we are still looking forward to the day when we can proudly and openly admit it.

    Moreover, the Philippine Embassy in Washington is making the mistake of cautioning Filipino Americans against renouncing their Philippine Citizenship. Our role is to become reserved units, ready to fill in the labor gap of our foreign slave owners.

    Those “Filipino Americans” (also known as the New Immigration Army’s officers) have bravely fulfilled their roles. We need to let them go. And don’t expect them to continue the burden of remitting to their family members here in the Philippines. If anything, we need focus on is how to get more Filipinos ready to immigrate in case they need us again.

  • Rallies Against Corruption: Shouting at Clouds While Failing Basic Math

    We have yet another evidence that being a slave is in the Filipino genetic makeup. The recent rallies against corruption in the Philippines are unbearably vague. What do they even mean?

    Sure, point fingers at Marcos, because accusing the guy in charge is revolutionary. But hey, we could accuse anyone: the taho vendor shortchanging you, your tita’s HOA embezzling funds for the Christmas lights. Without a plan, it’s just a blame game with no rules. The truth is that we already know who we hate: the officials who did not buy our votes. When we hate people in charge, the best opportunity to show it is in the next big rally.

    What happened is, of course, expected, given that our PISA scores are so low, we’re basically protesting with kindergarten-level problem-solving. Corruption thrives on complexity. For example, financial kickbacks hidden in budgets, loopholes in laws, etc. But if we can’t ace a test on basic algebra, how do we unravel that? It’s like sending toddlers to defuse a bomb: lots of noise, zero progress. Maybe the real corruption is stealing education funds that could’ve boosted those scores. Talk about ironic!

    No matter. We, the Colonist Party of the Philippines, stand with the rallies against corruption. After all, the money they stole could have been used as funds to buy tickets to America for our New Immigration Army. Even if we don’t really know who stole what.

  • How to Choose a College Degree in the Philippines

    Are you about to graduate from senior high school and you’re still not sure what to do after that? Or maybe you already have a degree but you are experiencing a quarter-life crisis? Don’t you worry. We got your back! Let’s look at some of the top college degrees in the Philippines.

    1. Listen to Your Parents: Choose Nursing

    When in doubt, choose Nursing. This college degree is allegedly mom’s most recommended choice to help you bring your whole family outside the Philippines, especially Canada or the US. Just take one of the NCLEX exams and you’re ready to go. As responsible adults, it is our duty to follow our parent’s orders. Don’t worry too much about your human rights and your freedom. Worry about the debt you owe to your parents for raising you. Remember: whatever they gave you was never actually given. You have to pay them off. If you want the freedom to become someone else’s slave, you have to buy that freedom from your parents.

    2. Choose The Needs Of Your Favorite Foreign Country: Call Center Agents

    This tip is for the unfortunate few whose parents gave them the freedom to choose what they want. This YouTube video proves that you are much happier if you have limited choices. That is why it would have been better if you never had any choice at all by being forced to take up Nursing, go abroad, and deprive the Philippines of a good workforce.

    An alternative solution to this problem is to limit your choices to what your favorite foreign country needs. If they need more call center agents, then just choose the first degree that comes to your mind. It doesn’t matter what came to your mind because your BPO company will only accept you based on how well you can avoid your disgusting Filipino accent to help your foreign client can understand you and verbally abuse you better. However, your favorite foreign country may also need someone other than a call center agent. Just be careful to limit your choices to their foreign needs so you can be happier.

    3. Become a Mother

    Although motherhood is the hardest job in the world, it’s very rewarding when your child graduates from a Nursing degree and takes you to another country. That is why more and more women choose motherhood early in their teens to achieve the fulfilling life of letting your own children borrow your money so they can pay you back later when they graduate.

    Just remember: the smallest unit of a society is the family. They are like the cells that make up an entire organism. That is why we hate stable families that can strengthen the country. Unfortunately the option to become a teenage single mother still isn’t formally accepted in schools today.

    4. Become a College Dropout

    This is a very hard philosophical question, but you don’t need to think about it too much because Mark Zuckerberg and Bill Gates are college dropouts! So if you want to become the next Bill Gates, be a college dropout. But that’s not enough, you can also get some women pregnant along the way and leave them in the dirt to increases your success rate.

    Conclusion

    Whichever college degree you chose, remember to give thanks and worship America and other wealthy countries out there. They are the reason why you are alive today. Ultimately, they are the reason why you can even have a college degree. So don’t forget to always give thanks.