Let’s take a hilarious stroll down memory lane and see why our “independence” is the best punchline in Southeast Asia.

Our most celebrated year, 1898, was the time when America colonized the Philippines. Sure, it started brutal: we had a lot of hot climaxes from massacres, water cures, and all that sexy stuff. But give credit where it’s due. They had time!

Decades to cram American politics and fast food down our throats until we started craving burgers more than adobo. By the time they “granted” us independence in 1946, we were so westernized, we are one economic sanction away from renaming Manila to “Discount Washington.”

Now, let’s not forget our brief fling with Japan during WWII. Those guys? Total amateurs in the colonization game. They swooped in with their hot brutality: death march, beheadings, etc. But they didn’t stick around long enough to make it stick. Their “independence” promises felt faker than a counterfeit Rolex from Divisoria. If they’d won the war, sure, we’d have a puppet government.

But wait a minute… what do you call what we’ve got now? A sovereign nation? Please. We’re a U.S. satellite state with better beaches. The Colonist Party says: If Japan had more time, maybe we’d be bowing to the Emperor instead of getting overweight while binge-watching Netflix. But no regrets: we’re not saying they should have won; we’re just pointing out that the battle for real independence? It’s like our traffic in EDSA: Eternally jammed.

To us Filipinos, self-sufficiency means relying on foreign powers to dictate your every move.